So Why Are You so Distant?

Okay... So I have put this off long enough and before I lose all of my firends let me break it down for you...

My Mom is DYING!!! Yeah, so this isn't something new, but my Mom has been going down hill rapidly. Many of you know that it was a big debate for me to even move down to Texas because M & I both knew that Mom wasn't doing well. My Mom insisted that we move for two reasons first, she didn't want the boys to watch her die. And second because IF something happened to M, she wanted the boys to have time with him. So, we packed and moved down here.

Since leaving, my Mom has really struggled with a lot of things especially trying to get help in her home, and has had two hospital stays... I've done most of the work remotely to help her and have remained here as I don't have anyone that will watch the boys and M's schedule is completely unpredictable.

A couple of weeks ago we thought Mom had a stroke... I did book the first flight home to be with her (Thank you, Shasta for being my angel. You were the only one who stepped up when everyone else stepped back. You have no idea how blessed I am to have you as a friend)... It was not a stroke, but the cancer has spread to her bones and it is in her spine... Coupled with osteoperosis the cancer is breaking her spine and she had to have surgery to help build the bones back up for pain relief. While there... My Mom asked me to put her in a nursing home. This was a HUGE decision for her and a big acceptance for me. I NEVER thought I would have to even consider that... EVER! She needs a lot of care for both physical and pain relief. And while I don't mind doing it... It's a 24 hour job and I have two little boys that also need me. So our decision was not on the fly, but it was a difficult decision.

Unfortunately, dealing with a nursing home and emotional issues with my mom's side of the family have been difficult for me. I spend most of my days talking to nurses, doctors, family, social workers, insurance people, and various other people to make sure my Mom is taken care of. It's miserable for both of us as this is NOT what we want in our hearts, but is the best solution for both of us.

I have felt so stressed, I've had to make personal decisions of my own. I had to give up being the FRG leader, and some of the volunteer things I do. Not because I want to, but because I am not emotionally there to help and I don't want to find myself having to choose. That isn't fair to anybody! I've let people down with my decisions, I know. And it hurts me to know that I did let them down, but at least I was honest... Honest to myself and to them.

So I am sorry I haven't been online much or I haven't returned your calls. It isn't because I don't care or that I'm mad at you... It's probably quite opposite. I've probably thought of you and wondered how you are, but have been busy working other issues that I haven't written or called. I've prayed for many of you as I know right now I am not the only one with turmoil in my life.

So there it is... And there it will be for awhile. Losing your best friend is the hardest thing EVER! My Mom is my VERY BEST friend in the world. We have walked many roads together and this one we will walk together as well.

Just in case I miss someone... .Happy Holidays and have a blessed New Year too! :)