It's been three years since my Mom passed away. I still remember that day as if it were yesterday. I even remember the neighbor down the street calling to see if my oldest could come down and play. Santa brought a Wii for our family, and I had come down with the worst stomach bug EVER! My Mom's death wasn't a surprise. She had been diagnosed with cancer the year before and they had only given her 6 months to live. She lived much longer than the 6 months she was given, and in good spirits and good times. It wasn't until the last 4 months of her life that things began to slip and quickly at that.
I live with the guilt that I wasn't there as she passed. I wasn't there to hold her hand as she crossed over to Heaven. My Mom was always there for me... I still feel incredibly guilty that I wasn't there to hold her hand. I pray it wasn't scary and that she forgives me for being away. With Mark gearing up for a deployment and no child care for my boys, I just couldn't get there, and my Mom made me promise that the boys wouldn't see her die. I really didn't know what to do?
Today her loss impacts me significantly. There are so many times when I wish I could give her a call and just "Blah! Blah! Blah!" about whatever. I know people tell me to just go ahead and talk, but it isn't the same as when your Mom commiserates or offers a friendly tip. I know Mom is around me, but sometimes I just long for that shoulder to cry on or that gentle hand to pat me on the back. It's amazing what a touch can do or the sound of a loved ones voice.
Facebook and Social Media always get the best of me when I see posts about Mom's and Dad's. I am so envious that my Mom isn't here and that theirs is. I have to be honest, I get so mad at God for taking my Mom away that I want to just spit! Why did he take her??? I don't wish for my Mom to have traded places with anyone else's Mom, but why did he take my Mom? She was too young to die. She had too many people who loved her to die! I understand that our lives are not meant to be on earth forever, and that we learn lessons and graduate on, but death is so permanent especially for those left behind.
So today I want to grieve, and it's okay to do that. I don't need to be perked up or inspiration. I just want to wallow in my sadness for one day, and "cry in my beer." I miss my best friend. No one will replace her. I miss you my dearest friend!!! I love you!
1 comment:
It is perfectly normal to grieve and completely understandable.
However... the anger with God is usually the result of confusion. It is an irrational outlet that is self destructive.
Neither of us 'know the plan' and it is for 'selfish reasons' we do not want our loved ones to leave us.
Our God is bigger than any of us can imagine. One day when we are reunited with our loved ones, we may better understand. The God you are mad at for taking your mom is the same one that gave you your beautiful children. The same one that has given you the strength and fortitude to continue you living.
We all grieve and we all grieve differently. We all miss those who mean so much to us. Continue to honor your mother by continuing to have faith and living a good life. Honor you mother by continuing to be a great mother and wife yourself.
I am sure you don't want the pep talk, and probably more sure you don't want it from me, but for what it is worth... You mother is in a better place.
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